So today Emma asked me for a ride to cheer. That girl that was my best friend for 10+ years and then I left for less than a week and she gets with the guy I like? Yeah that is the one. Well I didn’t want to say no. So I gave her a ride. And she acted like we were best friends again. And she wanted me to room with her in New York. Mostly because all the other cheerleaders hate her. She only is my friend when she wants to take advantage of our friendship. And maybe that is how it always was. But I am done with that. We will not be roommates.
But the reason she asked for a ride was so that Liam could pick her up from practice. And so that they could go to a drive in movie theater. Lucky them. So I just helped her on her date. Great. I would do something like that. And they would go on an extremely romantic date. Why can’t a guy take me somewhere romantic? And pick me up in front of everyone so I can brag?
I cannot avoid her because we have practice 3x a week, but I can avoid him until school starts. As practice ended I was talking to some other cheerleaders. I heard her say “Awww look at how cute he is.” I probably threw up a little. I turn around and see he is blocking my car in the parking lot. So much for leaving before I see him. Plus the fact that Liam just got done with football practice so he doused himself in cologne. I used to love the smell of his cologne. It smells amazing. And the few times he has hugged me or offered me his sweatshirt it has lingered on me. He always put it on a little heavily though. But now the smell of that cologne made me remember he is not mine. And he never will be.
As she hopped into his truck I saw how happy they were. They are genuinely happy. It is a look that I seldomly see. When I see a guy look at a girl like he truly loves her I appreciate it. Those looks are so rare. Some girls search their whole lives to search for a guy who will give that look. The look that says, ‘she is the apple of my eye.’ And in his eyes I could see that look. He would be content just watching her instead of the movie. Just being with her would be enough. It was the look that I wanted him to give me. I wanted him to want me. It was not in the way as in I want your body lets have sex. No it was a look of love, not a look of lust.
And maybe they do love each other. And that breaks my heart even more. I have never felt love as passionate as that. Especially never from him. I know that when he gives me that perfectly white smile that he does not mean anything special. And though sometimes he looks at me with a little smile I know that it is nothing compared to what he gives her every time they are together. He will never be mine. I just can never face it. And that feeling is devastating.
But sometimes I hate myself for hating them. These two were at one time two of my best friends. Now I have a grudge against them. But I think the main reason for my grudge is the fact that it helps me cope with my pain. I am hurt. If they really cared for me they would not have done that. They would not have gotten together. I told them it was okay but yet 4 months later seeing them still stings. I still brush back tears for someone who wasn’t even mine to be sad over. And I don’t know how to fix it.
I have a month before school begins again. In a month I will see them daily. I will see him walk her to class. I will see them stand by my locker. And I have had so much time to get over it but I can’t. I just can’t seem to get over it.
Filed under: Uncategorized Tagged: hate, Life, teen, toxic friend
